I Looked Up 'Gormless' In The Dictionary...

...and found these two specimens of Essex 'manhood' as illustrations of the definition:

Form an orderly queue, ladies!

Two thieves who stole a 'priceless' artwork by the sculptor Henry Moore and sold it at a scrapyard for £46 have each been jailed for a year.

Liam Hughes, 22, and 19-year-old Jason Parker stole the Working Model for Sundial - believed to be worth around half a million pounds - from the grounds of the Henry Moore Foundation in Hertfordshire.

Now, I'm no Henry Moore fan, and I can't help but feel its scrap value isn't far off its actual worth to me.

But really...

Henry Moore is widely regarded as one of the most important British artists of the 20th Century, and his creations have fetched millions at auction.

Neither of the men had any idea of the true value of what they had taken, St Albans Crown Court heard.

Yes, well, for once, I'm inclined to actually believe the defence!

Nice Try, But Consumption’s Not Obligatory…

A Swansea solicitor has hit out at "ridiculous" nightclub drink promotions after three men "miraculously" escaped serious injury after a road smash.

Mark Davies was representing Rhys Beck, a 20-year-old who admitted crashing his car after drink-driving.

And what sort of promotion was this? Do they hold you down and force alcohol down your throat?

Mr Davies said his client, of Glanmor Terrace, Penclawdd, had been out with friends at the Oceana nightclub and when he ordered one pint of beer, he was told he would receive two extra pints for free, as part of a promotion the club were running.

Mr Davies accepted his client had willingly drunk the alcohol before deciding to drive his Renault Clio, but said the promotion was "quite frankly asking for trouble".

Umm, why? If I get offered two free tins of beans when I buy one at a checkout, I don’t feel obliged to cram them all down my throat. I might give them away to someone else. I don’t even feel obliged to take them in the first place!

Why didn't he simply refuse them, or offer them to his friends?

"His intention wasn't to consume a large quantity of alcohol but he wanted one drink. When confronted with two more for free, it's often that people will consume the other two. He didn't believe he was over the limit," added Mr Davies.

So….he was only going to have one because he was driving (which is sensible, and responsible), and he knew that more than that would put him over the limit. But, when faced with free beer, he suddenly thought these two pints somehow wouldn't count?

He’s not too bright, is he?

Mr Davies said: "It's a shame this young man comes before the court as he's of clean character, he's educated and is waiting to go to university."

Ah. Well, why should lack of intelligence stop anyone from going to university these days?

Meanwhile, police in Swansea have said they are concerned about cut-price drinks promotions in the city, and are working with the council and bars, pubs and clubs to try to ensure "safe and sensible" drinking.

Superintendent Phil Davies said: "Drinks promotions are a concern for the police. "While we have got no legislative power to stop them, we are working closely with the local authority and licensed premises to encourage safe and sensible drinking."

Well, perhaps you could start by pointing out what utter rubbish is being spouted here by Mr Beck’s mouthpiece?

I Think Now He’ll Have To Be Dubbed ‘Muppet Mike’…

A bungling robber dubbed ‘Murder Mike’ was jailed for 30 years today for accidentally shooting his accomplice as they tried to steal a cache of fake Rolex watches.

Yup, you read it right - fake Rolexes…

That little wrinkle didn't make it into the initial reports, did it?

In fact, the three Submariner watches had been bought over the internet for £118 each by intended victim Jordaan Williams to dupe unsuspecting buyers.

*chuckles*

In a statement read to the court, Mr Barnes’ mother and father, Judith and Douglas, said: ‘The senseless killing of our son has been like a bad nightmare.’

Mmm, I expect it was a bit of an experience for Mr Williams, too.

But then, since he was also a would-be villain… Bah! A plague on all your houses!

Actually, I Think It’s Unsuitable For Anyone’s Hearing…

The magistrates sent Truscott to the crown court on March 23, saying the case was unsuitable for summary hearing.

His crime? Well…

A man found naked in a field amongst cow dung and mud had been sexually pleasuring himself, a court has heard. It was the same farm he had returned to over a period of seven years.

Yes, and that’s not all he does…

The Roth family had suffered because of his behaviour, she went on, as it had affected their quality of life and their children who had been part of what was going on.

“The family have to regularly check their livestock, outbuildings and equipment, as he has masturbated in a muck spreader and set fire to outbuildings, killing livestock in frustration when they cleaned out their farm equipment in an attempt to stop him from this lewd and obscene habit.”

It appears not just any farm will do. He has a ‘thing’ for this particular farm.

His previous convictions included arson, burglary and harassment, and he had a caution for possession of extreme pornographic images in relation to animals.

He had breached the restraining order before, quite soon after it was made, and for which he was sent to prison.

If he cannot be sectioned and held in a mental institution, perhaps the Roth family might like to patrol with shotguns in future?

They’d be doing the county a favour if they mistook him for a burglar.

The ‘Seven P Principle’ Is In Play Here…

At yesterday’s hearing, Jonathan Stone, prosecuting, said four men including Stringer arrived outside the shop on mopeds before Stringer used a hammer to smash through a window to steal the watches.

CCTV cameras inside the store and on High Street showed the group leaving the scene before Springer was seen being tackled to the ground by passers by.

Mr Stone said: “It was a well-planned operation but fell flat at the end. They had not planned their escape but there must have been a degree of research done.”

Stringer got five years, but we know he won’t serve it all, though. He already got 64 days off for time spent in custody.

And as there’s no report of other arrests, he possibly didn't give up his accomplices, either. I’d have tacked on an extra five years for each of ‘em!

William Woodman, defending, told the court that Stringer was in financial difficulty after being out of employment since 2009.

He said: “It seems that when he is in employment he does really well, but when he isn't it seems to have a significant effect on him. There is no suggestion he used the hammer to threaten anyone.”

In other words, when he’s got a job, he stays on the straight and narrow, but when he hasn’t, well, a life of crime is the only thing that beckons?

Incompetent crime, at that? I guess we know why he can’t get a job then…

H/T: MacHeath via email